July 4th came quick this year. Time has been speeding up since I graduated high school; then I got a job and it sped up a little bit more, then I had a kid and it sped up a big bit more. It feels like time has both simultaneously slowed down and sped up: each individual day feels almost infinite in length, but when I review a collection of days in my mind, I find myself wondering where all the time went. I wonder what I did with my time when I let Devin go outside to play with his friends rather than walk down to the park with him. I wonder what I did with my time when I decided to call out of work. I wonder what I do with my time when I go to work.

Sometimes I feel like I spend so much of my time wishing my time away. I'm unhappy at work; it's a terribly boring job, some of the guys in the office are assholes, and there's absolutely no room for growth. The longer I stay at this job, the longer I will be someone's god damned secretary. I feel like I'm unhappy at home, but I'm fairly certain that most of that comes from being nearly completely miserable for 10 hours of each day. I wish that I could astrally project while I'm at work, go somewhere interesting and different, experience some new things, so that when I come home I'm not an exhausted, raging bitch.

Though I feel dissatisfied with my life, I have no idea how to go about changing it or what I even want to change into. The Pursuit of Happyness is not normal. Julia Roberts as Erin Brockovich is not real. I understand that those movies are based on true events, but how do you let certain things drop while tending to others so that you feel you can garner the attention you think you deserve? How could I possibly be mother of the year while being an A student? Won't Devin grow to resent me for spending more of my time with my face in a book than with him? The only movie that my situation brings to mind is Riding in Cars With Boys. It's unfortunately rather close to my real life.

Despite what all of the above would have you think, I'm feeling good. I exceeded my own expectations for the class I just finished up, money is tight but I've found myself not even wanting to spend it, and I'm getting things moving with Devin's situation. I'm on a serious diet, now that I finally have the support of my roommate, and I've lost seven pounds since June 26. Work has been slow lately, but the office guys have been in relatively good moods, so there's been a more fair balance of shit and sugar. The weather has been gorgeous, it almost makes me forget that I live in Dundalk. Things are looking up. This could also all be due to the fact that it is summertime, and everything looks better in the hazy glow of extra daylight hours.

I get cautious when I feel optimistic because I'm used to good things either never lasting long enough or coming with strings attached. I want so badly to do well in school. I want to break the family curse of chronic underacheivement so that Devin can have a strong example, and use that example to eventually experience success for himself. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, and I am grown up. I have to play some serious catch-up, I feel like I'm lifetimes behind where I should be at this age.