I really need to stop having sexytimes dreams about Seth Rogen.

I really need to stop having sexytimes nightmares about Seth Rogen and tornadoes.

But considering the recurring nightmares I've had in the past, these have been more than pleasant.

Got into a fight with my mother on Sunday and haven't spoken to her since. It started with her asking me if we were doing anything for Easter, to which I replied "no, I'm not Christian". Sensing her easily hurt feelings being hurt through my mobile communication device, I immediately followed that with "but if you want to have dinner on Sunday, I'll bring a salad". She agreed, we made our plans, and nothing further was said about it. So we show up to her house on Sunday, things are going well until she gets a picture message from her friend. It was a picture of an egg and said "should I bring some of these with me?". She showed it to me, which she didn't have to do unless she were actively pursuing a fight, and I asked her what he was talking about. She told me that she mentioned to him that we weren't doing anything for Easter, that he felt bad for Devin and wanted to bring him some things for Easter.

As if that last paragraph wasn't long enough, here's a little backstory. I grew up in a home with pretty much no religion. Sure, I went to Sunday school for a while, but I'm fairly certain that the only reason I went was so that my mother could have a few hours to herself in order to nurse her hangover from drinking a little too much the night before. When I was a teenager I went through a Wicca phase that lasted a few months, but what teenaged girl in the 90s didn't have a Wicca phase? Aside from that, religion wasn't really a subject in my house; nor were politics or... anything else of any importance. I was pretty much left on my own to decide what my own opinions were, which isn't a bad thing at all really, but any kind of input is usually better than none. When you as a parent decide that you're going to give your child absolutely no guidance in areas such as these, you have to be able to deal with the outcome of that lack of involvement.

Because of that, I have developed into my own person, imagine that. I come complete with my own set of values and beliefs and opinions, and once I settle on something it's quite hard to shake it from me. I finally came to the conclusion that I'm an atheist when I was in unmedicated labor with my son. Usually childbirth is something that helps a woman become closer to god, but I refuse to believe that I am supposed to worship something that would let anything it personally created hurt that bad. Which makes me wonder why the more religious a family is, the more children they seem to have. I've never been too vocal about my non-belief because religion, or lack thereof, is a very personal matter and I'm aware that it's a very divisive issue. I'm not one of those militant atheists who seem to find a reason to argue over everything because in my experience with people, unless religion comes up in a conversation, it's really hard to tell the believers from the non-believers.

But it would seem that I'm not allowed to have strong beliefs that go against the stream, even though my mother doesn't have any beliefs of her own, let alone those belonging to the "mainstream". So I found it very upsetting that she would feel the need to talk to her gay, Republican, Christian friend about my not celebrating Easter. One because he's obviously a confused individual who loves to place himself into social groups where he's not accepted, two because family matters should stay... I don't know, in the family? So we argued for a minute before my mother changed the subject in the middle of my speaking, which just further angered me. I hate not being listened to, especially when I actually bother discussing myself with her. I think the fact that I manged to become a somewhat strong person without much influence from her makes her feel guilty, so whenever I have a strong opinion on something, she gets pissed.

It's really too many words for me to write the entire argument, so I'll do my best to paraphrase. She was mad at me for not getting Devin an Easter basket or anything for the "holiday". I was mad at her because she has no religious affiliation and therefor has no right to be mad at me for not celebrating a traditionally Christian holiday. Yeah, there's a whole lot of history behind the Christian holiday known as Easter; there's a whole lot of history behind the religion itself, but that's not for right now. She was mad at me because I didn't at least celebrate the "secular" part of it with him; the egg hunts and the small gifts and candy part. I was mad at her because if it weren't for religion of some sort, we wouldn't even have the "secular" aspect of Easter to take part in. And so on and so on. Trying to explain myself to my mother is like trying to explain how awesome hugs are to an autistic child.

I wrote a lengthy entry in my now defunct Myspace blog regarding Christmas, and the same principal can be applied here. I hate holidays. And not because I'm single, not because I'm broke, not because I have no real family outside of my mother. I hate them because they're nothing but big money days, and I feel that by celebrating them in the way that we tend to do is nothing short of disrespectful to the people who take that shit seriously. I mean, Christmas and Easter are pivotal to the Christian storyline, and when you really remember "the reason for the season", they seem like pretty somber days; especially Easter. If I could put myself in the shoes of a believer, I'd almost be pissed to see people who claim themselves to be atheists celebrating a holiday that belongs to me just because they have an insatiable sweet tooth.

Now I've made myself sound like a horrible mother, and a horrible person in general, but really I'm not. I try to teach Devin that he should be nice to people and do the right thing year round, instead of when the calendar dictates you should. I try to teach him that he can get and have nice things at any time, as long as he works hard at doing his best. Holidays, especially the wintertime ones, are phony to me; all those tidings of comfort and joy that everyone seems so loose with during that time are nowhere to be found during the other say, ten months of the year. All the family gatherings that are so pervasive during the holidays are something people shrug off at other times. Ever since my tax refund shopping extravaganza I've been making an effort to not be such a thoughtless consumer; not because I'm cheap or can't afford things, but because there's really no sense in buying so much shit. Shit that's going to get lost or stolen or broken by the next time Santa or the bunny come knocking on the door. I do special things with my child all the time, not just because they've started playing Christmas music on Lite 102 or because I've started seeing Peeps in the grocery store.

I was discussing this issue with a friend who told me that I should have just kept the peace and given into my mother, but that's not how I roll. I hate a hypocrite almost as much as I hate a liar, so why would I purposefully exhibit those traits myself? Hypocrisy is not an ailment that belongs solely to the religious crowd. Hypocrisy is simply someone acting out of accordance with their stated beliefs, so no one is immune. So by keeping the peace, does that mean I am to play the hypocrite until my mother dies or is otherwise rendered useless? Say one thing and do the other just so she can sleep easy at night? I don't like that. I was raised by her, and I don't want to be a mother like her. I don't want my child to feel that his ideas are pointless, that his opinions are invalid. I also don't want my child to feel like he has to make some of his most important life decisions alone.

There are so many things that go into making this argument. I don't want religion shoved down my child's throat, but yet sometimes I feel that I might be shoving the lack thereof down there instead. I try to rationalize this by saying that I only really come out to him with my beliefs in a defensive manner, say if he comes home from his father's house talking about Jesus. And that's true; again, I'm not a very outspoken atheist, but I will protect my young from something I see as poisonous. This parenting job really isn't as easy as it looks once you get past long nights, early mornings and constant diaper changing. I want to live one way, but society and apprently my own family wants me to live another. Of course Devin's going to be exposed to certain aspects of my belief system, he's my child and he lives with me full time. I feel like a bad person during these times. I don't want to make him feel alienated at school for my (our?) beliefs, but going against your own natural flow for any reason is hard. Is this yet another part of parenting that requires you to put yourself aside? Will it ever get any easier? Am I just further proving the point that only children are selfish bastards?

And because I have no doubt that my mother will someday stumble upon this entry, just because I get frustrated with you doesn't mean that I don't love you.

I deleted the Myspace today. I had a lot of blogs on it that I considered keeping but as with the contents of this journal, sometimes you have to cut out certain things that are no longer relevant to your life or interests; for better or for worse. I had to really think hard about this weeding I was about to do because you know, words are powerful things and they can often place an idea one step closer to manifestation, so I had put some time and effort into some of the entries. Naturally I got a little wistful for a minute, but the truth of the matter is no one reads anyone's blogs and everyone who bothers writing them is desperately hoping that people will. Unless your shit manages to make it onto the front page of a popular social "news" website, no one reads any of it. Don't come at me wearing your serious business face, yelling, "Well I don't care if anyone reads it! I write for myself and I'm just expressing my creativity". We all know that's total bullshit. I write for myself too: in an actual notebook, with an actual pen. And if that makes me feel a little out of touch with the digital age, sometimes I get a little technological and open up the text editor to jot down some notes. I can admit it even though I'm currently mocking it, I'm totally guilty of writing on the internet with hopes that people will care. Besides, if you really want attention for your words, the last place you're going to look for that attention is Myspace: A Place for Misleading Camera Angles.

So yeah, no more Myspace. I've moved onto Facebook which I think still places me far behind the times in regards to the whole social networking thing but if Twitter is the future, long live the good old days. I actually have a Twitter, and the reason why I signed up and never used it is... it probably had something to do with Talk of the Nation, feeling horribly optimistic one day, and thinking I would embarrass myself by posting the least intellectual comment of the day. If I remember correctly I think I might have had something to say about marijuana legislation, surprise surprise, but thankfully I chickened out. Like the time I tried to call Marc Steiner regarding places in Maryland to go hiking. If anyone is curious, I was going to say that I think Double Rock is a good starter place to hike because it makes you feel like you're doing something rad because of the rocks and water and trees and shit, but really you're only like five minutes from the safety and comfort of Baltimore City so it's ok. But it was Marc fucking Steiner, he's like a god among men, so I giggled and hung up when the screener answered the call.

I also use far too many words to describe the smallest shit so that's why Twitter couldn't work for me, obviously. I tend to have a lot to say about one thing as opposed to the Twitter format, where in order to fit inside the space you have to be able to say a little about a lot. "I took a walk today. My feet hurt", "I have a headache", "I just shit on myself". Also, Twitter seems to be for whiners and I don't whine, I rant. To me whining sounds like a child, whereas ranting sounds like a grown person, and we all know that children don't know as much as adults and must be some sort of inferior beings because of that. It's fine that I just said that, everyone thinks it but never wants to say it, especially parents. I dare you to find a single parent who hasn't lost patience with their child for not knowing something that we know seemingly by instinct. Anyway, ranting about something isn't really better than whining, but it's different in a way that I like. Ranting forces the writer to think about the best words to express their discomfort in any given situation, therefore coming away from the experience feeling a tad bit smarter.

At least that's how I feel. And since I guess LiveJournal qualifies as some sort of blog, I'll say these things:

1. No one is reading this.
2. Even though I hope they do.
3. I have probably put pictures on Myspace that may or may not have utilized misleading camera angles in order to make me look a little better. But nothing as bad (or as good?) as this bitch:

I know it's still early, but this is the most entertaining thing I've found all day.

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/snoop-dogg-live

I've been getting really sick of complaining, mine and that of others, a lot in recent months. Lately I've been trying to focus more on my current situation and what I do have instead of times past/future and what I don't or never will have. I've been needing to remind myself of this constantly so it's harder than I thought it would be, but it's been working out I suppose; though it seems I don't have nearly as much to talk about now that I'm trying to cut the "poor me"s from daily conversation. And it seems that by not having much to say, people listen more when I decide that I do have something to say. So there's a plus. Being listened to is pretty rad.

My thought process has been doing nothing but making me miserable so I can only imagine how I am perceived by others. Then I had one of those straw breaking the camel's back scenarios, or maybe one of those sorts of revelations that only come with the ingestion of hallucinogenic substances. So I tried to step outside of myself and watch myself having conversations in various formats. Surprisingly, most of them were about how so and so's whining really gets on my nerves... or how driving in the rain gets on my nerves... or how needing to have roommate gets on my nerves... and so on. I realized that I actually whine about other people's whining; that's when I knew shit had to change. I've spent my whole life talking so much without even really having anything to say. For someone as talkative as I can be, this is sort of a harsh discovery.

Being as positive as possible feels like when you're wearing a pair of old underwear that's missing most of the elastic from around the waistband. Sometimes you'll get a tickle from a stray rubber string and freak out because you think it's a bug that is going to poison you with its bite, but really it's not, then you're relieved. That's how being positive feels for me; freak out time. For example, last week during the rain I wanted to cry because I do genuinely dislike "bad" weather... but when my mind started bitching about it, this other part of my brain spoke up and was like "Well we had a pretty dry winter and early spring, so this rain is good; it's preventing a drought that would prevent you from having summertime fun". It felt good to not have my blood pressure spiking from my inner ranting but it was weird because I don't know about being positive. I was confused, but also relieved.

But there always has to be a but with me. How does one know what constitutes whining? What's considered whining to one person may just be small talk to another. Say, for example, I read a piece of pending legislation that gets my panties in a twist... does stating my opinion about it or perhaps even writing a blog about it constitute whining? Or is whining more of an immediate reactionary comment such as "I HATE WHEN IT RAINS!" as opposed to something more carefully stated? Is the frequency with which the complaint is made the basis of whining? Fuck, now I feel like I'm entering the whine zone and I didn't even get to properly close this entry. Damn.

I'm leaving work in fifteen minutes to go pay for my class. It's going to feel real after I do that, and it's going to feel closer to real when I have to buy my books, then on June first when the class starts it's going to actually BE real. I better follow through on this for fucking once because this time I'm wasting MY money, not my mom's or the government's. I can't afford to fuck this up.

April Fools' Day is a holiday I enjoy celebrating as much as other people enjoy celebrating those other stupid holidays. I can only imagine what this says about my character. Just as some would enjoy having a cookout with friends on Memorial Day, I would enjoy inviting everyone I know over to my house for a cookout on April Fools' Day. Except when they all showed up, I would leave and hide somewhere nearby so I could laugh at them for showing up to an April Fools' Day cookout. And really, I could probably get away with it because I might be the only person who even thinks about it. I think my love of the day is because I'm an asshole, and sometimes we derive moderate amounts of joy from other people's embarrassment.

Today being April Fools' Day, immediately upon arriving at work I sent my mother an email saying "Did you hear about Robert Pattinson?". My mother has recently become completely obsessed with this whole "Twilight" shit and for some reason it's been bothering me that she's so hard pressed about a series meant for people younger than me. So I told her that he was recently diagnosed with testicular cancer. She replied "OMG" and asked me where I heard it. I immediately went to his Wikipedia page to see if I could edit it and have it stay edited for at least ten minutes so she could see it and be heartbroken that her beloved Edward had fallen ill. This is something I should have done before I mentioned his balls, his page was locked. I couldn't do anything but tell her that I had gotten her ass, then she called me and used all three of my government names to address me and I was thoroughly amused.

After the initial idea, I got caught up in a whirlwind of Wikipedia edits. I looked up a few other "celebrity'" pages (Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron, etc) that I thought would be fun to make changes to, but they were also locked. Until I went to Heidi Montag's page, where I made the following change: "Ms. Montag also has plans to develop and produce her own line of BPA-free sex toys; including an extensive collection of anal beads and plugs. In order to ensure the quality of her product it has been rumored that Heidi and her partner, Spencer Pratt, have personally tested all toys. The toys will be available at online retailers in the fall of 2009.". It stayed that way until one of my co-workers emailed the link to perezhilton.com and dlisted.com, and I'm sure one of those rat bastards told on me.

During the course of the morning I made changes to "The Hills" page where I stated that Entertainment Weekly is mostly staffed by slightly retarded folk for including the show on a list of influential television shows; the creator of "The Hills" page where I stated that he is rich off of the retardation of the general public and probably laughing about it; and the "Battlestar Galactica" page where I stated that it was the best television program that had ever been aired and that the cast of "The Hills" should have been invited to do a cameo and been promptly tossed out of the airlock. My television loving roommate watches "The Hills", and I think I'm feeling a little salty because a new season is starting soon. This may or may not have been part of my motivation. Also, I should probably have a thesaurus open in another tab so that I can curb my use of various forms of the word "retard". It's ok. It's April Fools' Day.

My fun came to an end when I found that ALL of my edits had been reverted and that I had received a friendly message from a Wikipedia cop telling me to: "Please refrain from making unconstructive edits to Wikipedia. Your edits appear to constitute vandalism and have been reverted. If you would like to experiment, please use the sandbox. Thank you.". Really? That isn't such a great way to tell someone to stop doing something. I mean, if they really wanted me to stop they wouldn't have said please... "please" makes fulfilling a request sound optional. At least I found another something unconstructive to do at work. And sandboxes can cause yeast infections, so I definitely don't want any parts of that.