So far, and only because I'm managing to stay ahead of the course requirements, I feel like I'm busting serious ass in my class. Then I catch myself thinking, "well this is only English 101. Bottom of the barrel, there are much harder things to come. Doing well in this class basically means nothing." I really thought I'd have a much harder time with it; whether it be due to my age, my dislike of being told what to do, or the fact that I have Devin. I've read numerous articles about how our capacity for learning is greatly diminished at or around age 27, and as most of you know, I'm inching closer to that age every day. And it's always easier to blame a failure on external influences rather than accepting that your own lack of effort is what actually caused it. I'm pretty damn lazy. Lazy and self-defeating; a more lethal combination than bleach and ammonia.

At first I was worried that my early paper submissions would earn me some enemies amongst my classmates, that people would think I was sucking up. Then I remembered that this is college, this is college on the internet, and that the only important opinion is that of my teacher. I'm paying for these classes out of my own shallow pockets and if I want to turn my papers in early I will. Along with declining learning skills as I age, there has also been a decline in the skills that enable me to give a fuck. I've spent entirely too much of my life worrying about what other people think about me. From the things I say to the things I wear to the way I raise my child, I just don't care what other people think anymore. It's hard to go from trying to please every person to just worrying about pleasing myself, but I'm working on it.

As someone who sometimes likes to take personal time to write about personal shit, doing peer reviews is hard. Much harder than I anticipated. I feel dirty after doing them, I feel mean. I just try to remind myself that no one is going to improve themselves if everyone is just telling them that everything is perfect. At this point we should all know that there is no such thing as perfection, especially when it comes to writing. But some people just don't like hearing about themselves and those are most likely the people who will fail. Not even just in this class; in future classes, in relationships, in life.

So hopefully I learn from this class how to accept constructive criticism for what it is, not as a personal attack. Hopefully I'll be able to give good criticism to others without feeling like an asshole. Hopefully I'll come away from this with a good grade and enough of a sense of pride to keep me going until I'm done. And hopefully I'll also learn a good synonym for "hopefully".